This song is very spe­cif­ic in its ref­er­ence to cer­tain nether parts of the body. We don’t want to get in trou­ble or any­thing so if you don’t want to see the song, please STOP read­ing now. We take no re­spon­si­bil­i­ty for any loss of in­no­cence that might oc­cur as a re­sult of view­ing this file.

The Not Noel Cow­ard Song

Isn’t it aw­ful­ly nice to have a pe­nis.
Isn’t it sim­ply grand to have a dong.
It’s swell to have a stiffy, it’s di­vine to own a dick,
From the tini­est lit­tle tadger to the world’s biggest prick . . .

So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one‐​eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend,
Your Per­cy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in rib­bons, you can slip it in your sock,
But don’t take it out in pub­lic or they’ll stick you in the dock,
And you won’t a‐​come a‐​back.

—⁠Er­ic Idle