Tran­scribed cir­ca 1984 by Rich Holmes (rich@suhep.bit­net). As Mc­Coy would say, I’m a par­ti­cle physi­cist, dammit, not a doc­tor. Most of the med­ical terms were checked with ei­ther a med­ical dic­tio­nary or a slang dic­tio­nary and are prob­a­bly right. The ones marked with an as­ter­isk ei­ther (1) sound like what was sung but aren’t in any dic­tio­nary I could find or (2) in a dic­tio­nary but don’t sound like what was sung. Sec­ond opin­ions wel­comed.

In­flam­ma­tion of the fore­skin
Re­minds me of your smile
I’ve had bal­an­i­tal chan­croids
For quite a lit­tle while
I gave my heart to nsu [Non‐​Spe­cif­ic Ure­thri­tis]
That love­ly night in June
I ache for you, my dar­ling,
And I hope you’ll get well soon

My pe­nile warts, your her­pes,
My syphilitic sore,
Your monil­ial in­fec­tion
How I miss you more and more
Your *do­bies itch my *scrum‐​pox
Ah, love­ly gon­or­rhea
At least we both were ly­ing
When we said that we were clear

My clapped‐​out gen­i­talia
Is not so bad for me
As the com­plete and ut­ter fail­ure
Every time I try to pee
I’m dy­ing from your love, my love,
I’m your spiro­chetal clown
I’ve left my body to sci­ence,
But I’m afraid they’ve turned it down

Gono­coc­cal ure­thri­tis
Strep­to­coc­cal bal­ani­tis
*Diplo­coc­cal *catholi­tis
In­ter­sti­tial ker­ati­tis
Syphilitic coro­ni­tis
And an­te­ri­or *ure­itis.

—⁠Gra­ham Chap­man