Man. Um, ex­cuse me, is this the Un­der­tak­ers?

Un­der­tak­er. Yep that’s right, what can I do for you squire?

M. Um, well, I won­der if you can help me. Uh, my moth­er has just died and I’m not quite sure what I should do.

U. Oh well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.

M. Stiffs.

U. Now there’s three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

M. Dump her?

U. Dump her in the Thames.

M. What?

U. Oh, did you like her?

M. Yes!

U. Oh well we won’t dump her then. Well, what do you think. Burn her or bury her.

M. Well, um, which would you rec­om­mend?

U. Well, they’re both nasty. If we burn her she gets stuffed in the flames; crack­le, crack­le, crack­le; which is a bit of a shock if she’s not quite dead, but quick. And then you get a box of ash­es which you can pre­tend are hers.

M. Oh.

U. Or, if you don’t want to fry her, you can bury her, and then she’ll get eat­en up by mag­gots and wee­vels; nib­ble, nib­ble, nib­ble; which isn’t so hot, if as I said, she’s not quite dead.

M. I see, um, well, I’m not very sure she’s def­i­nite­ly dead.

U. Where is she?

M. She’s in this sack.

U. Let’s have a look. Umm, she looks quite young.

M. Yes, she was.

U. [call­ing] Fred.

Fred. Yes?

U. I think we’ve got an eater.

F. I’ll get the oven on.

M. Um, uh, ex­cuse me. Um, are you sug­gest­ing we should eat my moth­er?

U. Yeah, not raw, we’d cook her. She’d be de­li­cious with a few french fries, a bit of brautaline stuff­ing, de­li­cious!

M. What? Well, ac­tu­al­ly I do feel a lit­tle bit peck­ish. No, I can’t.

U. Look, we’ll eat your mum and if you feel a bit guil­i­ty about it af­ter­ward we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.

M. Al­right.