Adri­an Wap­caplet. Aah, come in, come in, Mr. . . . Simp­son. Aaah, wel­come to Mouse­bat, Fol­li­cle, Goose­crea­ture, Am­per­sand, Spong, Wap­caplet, Loose­liv­er, Vendet­ta and Prang!

Mr. Simp­son. Thank you.

Wap­caplet. Do sit down⁠—​my name’s Wap­caplet, Adri­an Wap­caplet . . .

Mr. Simp­son. How’d’y’do.

Wap­caplet. Now, Mr. Simp­son . . . Simp­son, Simp­son . . . French, is it?

S. No.

W. Aah. Now, I un­der­stand you want us to ad­ver­tise your wash­ing pow­der.

S. String.

W. String, wash­ing pow­der, what’s the dif­fer­ence. We can sell any­thing.

S. Good. Well I have this large quan­ti­ty of string, a hun­dred and twen­ty‐​two thou­sand miles of it to be ex­act, which I in­her­it­ed, and I thought if I ad­ver­tised it⁠—​

W. Of course! A na­tion­al cam­paign. Use­ful stuff, string, no trou­ble there.

S. Ah, but there’s a snag, you see. Due to bad plan­ning, the hun­dred and twen­ty‐​two thou­sand miles is in three inch lengths. So it’s not very use­ful.

W. Well, that’s our sell­ing point!
simp­son’s in­di­vid­ual stringettes!”

S. What?

W. “the now string! ready cut, easy to han­dle, simp­son’s in­di­vid­ual em­per­or stringettes⁠—​just the right length!

S. For what?

W. “a mil­lion house­hold us­es!”

S. Such as?

W. Uh­mm . . . Ty­ing up very small parcels, at­tatch­ing notes to pi­geons’ legs, uh, de­stroy­ing house­hold pests . . .

S. De­stroy­ing house­hold pests?! How?

W. Well, if they’re big­ger than a mouse, you can stran­gle them with it, and if they’re small­er than, you flog them to death with it!

S. Well sure­ly! . . .

W. “de­stroy nine­ty‐​nine per­cent of known house­hold pests with pre‐​sliced, rust­proof, easy‐​to‐​han­dle, low calo­rie simp­son’s in­di­vid­ual em­per­or stringettes, free from ar­ti­fi­cial col­or­ing, as used in hos­pi­tals!”

S. ’Os­pi­tals!?!?!?!!?

W. Have you ever in a Hos­pi­tal where they didn’t have string?

S. No, but it’s on­ly string!

W.on­ly string?! It’s every­thing! It’s . . . it’s wa­ter­proof!

S. No it isn’t!

W. All right, it’s wa­ter re­sis­tant then!

S. It isn’t!

W. All right, it’s wa­ter ab­sorbent! It’s . . . Su­per Ab­sorbent String!
ab­sorb wa­ter to­day with simp­son’s in­di­vid­ual wa­ter ab­sorb‐​a‐​tex stringettes! away with floods!”

S. You just said it was wa­ter­proof!

W. “away with the dull drudgery of worka­day tidal waves! use simp­son’s in­di­vid­ual flood pre­ven­ters!”

S. You’re mad!

W. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex, must get sex in­to it. Wait, I see a tele­vi­sion com­mer­cial . . .

There’s this nude woman in a bath hold­ing a bit of your string.
That’s great, great, but we need a doc­tor, got to have a med­ical opin­ion.

There’s a nude woman in a bath with a doc­tor⁠—​that’s too sexy.
Put an arch­bish­op there watch­ing them, that’ll take the curse off it.
Now, we need chil­dren and an­i­mals.

There’s two kids ad­mir­ing the string, and a dog ad­mir­ing the arch­bish­op who’s bless­ing the string. Uhh . . . in­ter­na­tion­al fla­vor’s miss­ing . . . make the arch­bish­op Greek Or­tho­dox. Why not Arch­bish­op Macar­ios? No, no, he’s dead . . . nev­er­mind, we’ll get his broth­er, it’ll be cheap­er . . . So, there’s this nude woman . . .