Con­tin­ued from Robin Python . . .

Voice‐​over. Mean­while, King Arthur and Be­de­vere, not more than a swal­low’s flight away, had dis­cov­ered some­thing.

Knights of Ni. Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Arthur. Who are you?

Knight of Ni. We are the Knights who say . . . “Ni”!

Arthur. [hor­ri­fied] No! Not the Knights who say “Ni”!

Knight of Ni. The same.

Oth­er Knight of Ni. Who are we?

Knight of Ni. We are the keep­ers of the sa­cred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee‐​womm!

Oth­er Knight of Ni. Nee‐​womm!

Arthur. [to Be­de­vere] Those who hear them sel­dom live to tell the tale!

Knight of Ni. The knights who say “Ni” de­mand . . . a sac­ri­fice!

Arthur. Knights of Ni, we are but sim­ple trav­el­ers who seek the en­chanter who lives be­yond these woods.

Knights of Ni. Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Be­de­vere. No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!

Knight of Ni. We shall say “Ni” to you . . . if you do not ap­pease us.

Arthur. Well what is it you want?

Knight of Ni. We want . . .

[preg­nant pause]

a shrub­bery!!!!

[mi­nor mu­sic]

Arthur. A what?

Knights of Ni. Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!

Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrub­bery.

Knight of Ni. You must re­turn here with a shrub­bery . . . or else you will nev­er pass through this wood . . . alive.

Arthur. O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will re­turn with a shrub­bery.

Knight of Ni. One that looks nice.

Arthur. Of course!

Knight of Ni. And not too ex­pen­sive.

Arthur. Yes!

Knight of Ni. Noowwwww . . . go!


Arthur. O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrub­bery. May we go now?

Knight of Ni. Yes, it is a good shrub­bery. I like the lau­rels par­tic­u­lar­ly. But there is one small prob­lem . . .

Arthur. What is that?

Knight of Ni. We are now no longer the Knights Who Say “Ni”!

Oth­er Knights of Ni. Ni! Shh! Shh!

Knight of Ni. We are now the Knights who say “Ekky‐​ekky‐​ekky‐​ekky‐​z’Bang, zoom‐​Bo­ing, z’nour­rrwring­mm”.

Oth­er Knight of Ni. Ni!

Knight of Ni. There­fore, we must give you a test.

Arthur. What is this test, o Knights of . . .
Knights who ’til re­cent­ly said “Ni”?

Knight of Ni. First­ly, you must find . . .

an­oth­er shrub­bery!!!

[mi­nor mu­sic]

Arthur. Oh not an­oth­er shrub­bery!!

Knight of Ni. [ex­cit­ed­ly] then . . . Then, when you have found the shrub­bery, you must place it here, be­side this shrub­bery, on­ly slight­ly high­er, so we get the two‐​lev­el ef­fect with a lit­tle path run­ning down the mid­dle.

Oth­er Knights of Ni. A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!

Knight of Ni. Then, when you have found the shrub­bery, you must cut down the might­i­est tree in the for­est . . . Wi­i­i­i­i­ithh . . . a her­ring!