King Arthur. Now, we are about to at­tempt to cross . . . the Bridge of Death!
The gate‐​keep­er of the Bridge will ask any who at­tempt to cross five ques­tions⁠—​

Sir Be­de­vere. Three, sire.

Arthur. [pause] Oh, yes, three. He who suc­cess­ful­ly an­swers these five ques­tions⁠—​

Be­de­vere. Three, sire!

Arthur. [slight­ly longer pause] Ah, three, then . . . er, may pass in safe­ty. How­ev­er, any­one who fails to cor­rect­ly an­swer all five ques­tions⁠—​

Be­de­vere.three, sire!

Arthur.i know it’s bloody thr—⁠ahem, yes, of course, three. [black look at Be­de­vere] . . . will be cast in­to the Gorge of Eter­nal Per­il!!!

[dra­mat­ic mu­sic]

Arthur. [con­tin­u­ing] Sir Robin, why don’t you go?

Sir Robin. Er . . . I’ve got an idea! Why doesn’t Sir Lancelot go?

Sir Lancelot. Yes, I’ll take him, sire. [about to draw sword] I’ll make a feint to the North‐​East, and then⁠—​

Arthur. No, no, just an­swer the ques­tions, Sir Lancelot.

Lancelot. But I’d re­al­ly like a feint to the North‐​East, sire . . .

Arthur. No, Sir Lancelot. We’ll all be right be­hind you, lis­ten­ing . . .

Lancelot. [sheath­ing sword] I . . . un­der­stand, sire.

Arthur. Our prayers go with you, Sir Lancelot.

[Lancelot ap­proach­es the bridge. Sud­den­ly, out of nowhere, the Bridge­keep­er ap­pears.]

Be­de­vere. [whis­per­ing] It’s the old man from Scene 24!!

Bridge­keep­er.stop!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must an­swer me
These ques­tions three
Ere the oth­er side he see.

Lancelot. Ask me your ques­tions, Bridge­keep­er. I am not afraid.

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your name?

Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your quest?

Lancelot. To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your fa­vorite col­or?

Lancelot. Blue.

Bridge­keep­er. Right, off you go.

Lancelot. [re­al­iz­ing that was it] Oh! Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

[and off he goes. The knights look at each oth­er.]

Robin. That’s easy!!!

[A mad rush for the bridge. Robin ar­rives first. The knights clus­ter be­hind. A few sniff and wrin­kle their noses, and the group backs off.]

Bridge­keep­er.stop!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must an­swer me
These ques­tions three
Ere the oth­er side he see.

Robin. [ex­cit­ed­ly] Ask me your ques­tions, Bridge­keep­er, I am not afraid.

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your name?

Robin. Robin of Camelot.

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your quest?

Robin. I seek the Grail!

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is the cap­i­tal of As­syr­ia?

Robin. [in­dig­nant] I don’t know that!! [An un­seen force whisks him up and over the side.]
aaaaar­rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggh­hh!!!!!!!

[The knights pause, re­al­iz­ing this may be a bit tougher than all that.]
Note: The fol­low­ing bit was cut from the movie.

Be­de­vere. What shall we do, sire?

Arthur. Well, I’m not sure, but . . .

Bridge­keep­er. [off] What . . . goes black, white, black, white, black, white?

Sir Gawain. [off] Uh . . . er . . . ah . . . Baby­lon?
aaaaar­rrrrrrrrrrgggggh­h­h­hh!!!!!

Movie re­sumes.

Bridge­keep­er.stop!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must an­swer me
These ques­tions three
Ere the oth­er side he see.

Sir Gala­had. [swal­low­ing] Ask me your ques­tions, Bridge­keep­er . . . I am not afraid . . .

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your name?

Gala­had. [ner­vous] Sir Gala­had . . .

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your quest?

Gala­had. [re­al­ly ner­vous] To seek the Grail . . .

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your fa­vorite col­or?

Gala­had. [re­lieved] Blue! [starts across; oops] no!
yel­loooooooooowww!!!!

[Arthur steps for­ward]

Bridge­keep­er.stop!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must an­swer me
These ques­tions three
Ere the oth­er side he see.

Arthur. Ask me your ques­tions, Bridge­keep­er. I am not afraid.

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your name?

Arthur. King Arthur of the Britons!

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is your quest?

Arthur. I seek the Holy Grail!

Bridge­keep­er. What . . . is the air­speed ve­loc­i­ty of an un­laden swal­low?

Arthur. [brief pause] What do you mean, an African or a Eu­ro­pean swal­low?

Bridge­keep­er. [con­fused] Well . . . I don’t know . . .
aaaaar­rrrrrrrrgggggh­h­hh!!!

Be­de­vere. [cross­ing be­hind Arthur] How do you know so much about swal­lows, sire?

Arthur. Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you’re a king, you know . . .

Note: The fol­low­ing bit was al­so cut from the movie.

[Arthur and Be­de­vere ap­proach a gi­gan­tic lake. A boat in the shape of a drag­on glides slow­ly to­wards them. As they pre­pare to cross, the same old man sud­den­ly ap­pears be­fore them.]

Boat‐​keep­er.stop!
He who would cross the Sea of Fate
Must an­swer me these ques­tions twen­ty‐​eight!

[Arthur and Be­de­vere look at each oth­er. They look at the old man. They look back at each oth­er. They pick the old man up, throw him in the wa­ter, and board the ship.]