[Mu­sic up⁠—​wild ap­plause and cheers from the au­di­ence]


Hel­lo! Hel­lo! Hel­lo! Thank you, thank you.
Hel­lo good evening and wel­come, to black­mail! Yes, it’s an­oth­er edi­tion of the game in which you can play with your­self. [ap­plause]
And to start tonight’s show, let’s see our first con­tes­tant, all the way from Man­ches­ter, on the big screen please: mrs. bet­ty teal!
[ap­plause, which sud­den­ly stops when the clap track tape breaks]
’El­lo, Mrs. Teal, love­ly to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you’re look­ing in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from re­veal­ing the name of your lover in boul­ton!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by re­turn of post please, and your hus­band Trevor, and your love­ly chil­dren Di­ane, Jan­ice, and Juli­et, need nev­er know the name . . . of your lover in boul­ton!

[ap­plause; or­gan mu­sic]

Thank you Onan! And now: a let­ter, a ho­tel reg­is­tra­tion book, and a se­ries of pho­tographs, which could add up to di­vorce, pre­ma­ture re­tire­ment, and pos­si­ble crim­i­nal pro­ceed­ings for a com­pa­ny di­rec­tor in Broms­grove. He’s a freema­son, and a con­ser­v­a­tive m.p., so that’s 3,000 pounds please Mr. S. . . . thank you . . . to stop us from re­veal­ing:
Your name
The name of the three oth­er peo­ple in­volved,
The youth or­ga­ni­za­tion to which they be­longed and
The shop where you bought the equip­ment!

[or­gan mu­sic]

But right now, yes every­one is the mo­ment you’ve all been wait­ing for; it’s time for our Stop the Film spots! As you know, the rules are very sim­ple. We have tak­en a film which con­tains com­pro­mis­ing scenes and un­pleas­ant de­tails which could wreck a man’s ca­reer. [gasp] But, the vic­tim may ’phone me at any mo­ment, and stop the film. But re­mem­ber the mon­ey in­creas­es as the film goes on, so, . . . the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay! Tonight, Stop the Film vis­its the lit­tle Thames‐​side vil­lage of Thames Dit­ton.

[mu­sic⁠—​an­nounc­er’s voice‐​over]

Well, here we go, here we go now, let’s see . . . where’s our man.
Oh yes, there he is be­hind the tree now . . .
Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun . . .
He looks re­spectable, so we should be in for some re­al . . . re­al shucks here . . .
A mem­ber of the gov­ern­ment, could be a brain sur­geon, they’re the worst . . .
whow! Look at the size of that . . . brief­case.
Aah, yes, he’s, he’s up to the door, rung the door­bell now . . .
O‐​oh, who’s the lit­tle num­ber with the night­ie and the whip, eh? Heh‐​heh.
Doesn’t look like his moth­er . . . could be his sis­ter . . .
If it is he’s in re­al trou­ble . . .
And just look at that, they’re up­stairs al­ready . . . whoah, boy, this is fun!
A very brave man, our con­tes­tant tonight.
Who‐​ho‐​ho!! This is no Tup­per­ware par­ty!
Very brave man, they don’t usu­al­ly get this far . . .
What’s⁠—​what’s that, what’s she’s do­ing to his . . . is that a chick­en up there? No, no, it’s just the way she’s hold­ing the grape­fruit . . . Whoah, ho ho . . .

[’Phone rings; buzzer goes off. Ap­plause]
[pick­ing up ’phone]

Hel­lo sir . . . yes . . . aha‐​ha‐​ha . . . yes, just in time, sir, that was . . . what? No, no, sir, it’s al­right, we don’t moral­ly cen­sor, we just want the mon­ey. Thank you sir, yes, . . . what? You . . . okay . . . Thank you for play­ing the game, sir, very nice in­deed, okay . . . okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye bye.

Well, that’s all from this edi­tion of Black­mail. Join me next week, same time, same chan­nel . . . Join me, two dogs, and a vic­ar, when we’ll be play­ing “Pe­do­ras­to”, the game for all the fam­i­ly. Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .