Cast: Chris (In­ter­view­er), Anne Elk

Chris. Good evening. Tonight: “di­nosaurs”. I have here, sit­ting in the stu­dio next to me, an elk.
Oh, I’m sor­ry! Anne Elk⁠—​Mrs Anne Elk

Anne. Miss!

C. Miss Anne Elk, who is an ex­pert on di⁠—​

A. N’ n’ n’ n’ no! Anne Elk!

C. What?

A. Anne Elk, not Anne Ex­pert!

C. No! No, I was say­ing that you, Miss Anne Elk, were an, a‐​n not a‐​n‐​n‐​e, ex­pert⁠—​

A. Oh!

C. —⁠on elks⁠—​I’m sor­ry, on di­nosaurs. I’m⁠—​

A. Yes, I cer­tain­ly am, Chris. How very true. My word yes.

C. Now, Miss Elk⁠—​Anne⁠—​you have a new the­o­ry about the bron­tosaurus.

A. Can I just say here, Chris for one mo­ment, that I have a new the­o­ry about the bron­tosaurus?

C. Uh . . . Ex­act­ly . . . What is it?

A. Where?

C. No! No, what is your the­o­ry?

A. What is my the­o­ry?

C. Yes!

A. What is my the­o­ry that it is? Yes. Well, you may well ask what is my the­o­ry.

C. I am ask­ing.

A. And well you may. Yes, my word, you may well ask what it is, this the­o­ry of mine. Well, this the­o­ry, that I have, that is to say, which is mine, . . . is mine.

C. I know it’s yours! What is it?

A. . . . Where? . . . Oh! Oh! What is my the­o­ry?

C. Yes!

A. Ahh! My the­o­ry, that I have, fol­lows the lines that I am about to re­late. [starts pro­longed throat clear­ing]

C. [un­der breath] Oh, God!
[Anne still clear­ing throat]

A. The The­o­ry, by A. Elk (that’s “A” for “Anne”, it’s not by a elk.)

C. Right . . .

A. [clears throat] This the­o­ry, which be­longs to me, is as fol­lows . . .
[more throat clear­ing]
This is how it goes . . .
[clears throat]
The next thing that I am about to say is my the­o­ry.
[clears throat]

C. [wim­pers]

A. The The­o­ry, by A. Elk (Miss). My the­o­ry is along the fol­low­ing lines . . .

C. [un­der breath] God!

A. . . . All bron­tosaurus­es are thin at one end; much, much thick­er in the mid­dle and then thin again at the far end. That is the the­o­ry that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.

C. That’s it, is it?

A. Right, Chris!

C. Well, Anne, this the­o­ry of yours seems to have hit the nail right on the head.

A. . . . and it’s mine.

C. Thank you for com­ing along to the stu­dio.

A. My plea­sure, Chris.

C. Britain’s newest wasp farm⁠—​

A. It’s been a lot of fun⁠—​

C. —⁠opened last week⁠—​

A. —⁠say­ing what my the­o­ry is⁠—​

C. —⁠Yes, thank you.

A. —⁠and whose it is.

C. Yes . . . opened last week⁠—​

A. I have an­oth­er the­o­ry.

C. Not to­day, thank you.

A. My the­o­ry #2, which is the sec­ond the­o­ry that I have. [clears throat]
This the­o­ry⁠—​

C. Look! Shut up!

A. —⁠is what I am about to say.

C. Please shut up!

A. which, with what I have said, are the two the­o­ries that are mine and which be­long to me.

C. If you don’t shut up, I shall have to shoot you!

A. [clears throat] My xxx the­o­ry, which I poss­es the own­er­ship of, which be­longs to⁠—​

[Sound of a sin­gle gun shot]

A. [clear­ing throat] The The­o­ry the Sec­ond, by Anne⁠—​

[Sound of pro­longed ma­chine gun fire]

Tim – tim@zo­